At my sister's wedding last weekend, my Grandad pointed at the ink bramble on my shoulder blade and asked how long I had had it for. He rolled his eyes and asked me how many tattoos I have now, and why I spend money on them. I laughed and told him I liked them.
Often people ask me why but I rarely give them the whole answer.
Its true that I like them. I think that tattoos can be beautiful, that having somebody's art on your body is privilege and a joy, that they add interest and detail to otherwise plain stretches of skin.
But its more than that.
When you have had your body taken away from you, when someone has made you feel small and scared and out of control, when you look in the mirror and cannot recognise yourself anymore- you look for ways to reclaim what should be yours. For me, this has included cutting off my hair and getting tattoos.
There is something powerful about choosing what gets sunk into your skin, how far it goes, how wide it spreads. So often we get stuck with things we never wanted, things we carry around for years, things that permanently alter who we are.
There is relief in the fact that the person who hurt you no longer knows every inch of your skin, can no longer picture you fully when they close their eyes. They are stuck with a version that no longer exists. You are more real than they can imagine. You have outgrown them.
I got my seventh today, hand-poked by a gentle, 6"7 giant covered head to toe in ink. I got a single word: enough. I got it as a celebration of myself, I got it because I faced my abuser and did not crumple or fall to pieces, I got it because I did not hide behind a partner, I got it because I worked hard and spoken out and fought for as many safety measures as possible and protected myself because of them.
It's a statement that I've had enough, that I'm standing my ground, that you must respect my boundaries.
Its a word that is buried beneath my clothes. I won't post a picture on Instagram or Facebook. No one will see it unless I choose for them to see it.
My body is mine once again.
