over the pond.

I have my flight booked, I have been approved for a two year visa, I've given notice at work.. I am moving to Canada in August. World pandemic dependent.

It started off as a joke when I was in the throws of lockdown and my job felt so heavy and inescapable and Brighton felt small and grey and stuck, stuck, stuck. And when the visa applications opened again I thought "fuck it, why not?" and put my name into the pool for a chance at two years somewhere else and the chance to reset. The chance to explore and breathe and create some chaos for myself. I didn't know if I would get it, or whether it would come at the right time. But I needed a get out card, I needed another option, something a bit mad and a bit hopeful.

And then I got it. And when I got it and I cried and ran around my kitchen and felt so alive, I knew that I would go.

So I am slowly making plans and tying up things here in Brighton, looking at farms for WWOOFING and temp jobs in women's shelters, planning routes across the country, working out what I want from two years away.

But the sun has started to come out. There is enough light after work to sit on the beach in just a jacket. I have friends across the city to meet in pub gardens and to swim with. It feels ridiculous to choose to leave.

There are days where I feel excited, the thought of being cut free is so exhilarating! I can do anything!

But then there are days when that feels too big and too daunting. I will know no one, I will have no ties through a job or a relationship, I will be completely at the mercy of the decisions I will make. I can do anything.. how terrifying.

The anxiety comes out in weird ways, a strange possessiveness over a room at work, an inability to use the kitchen as the house feels less mine. But I remember feeling wobbly before I moved to Brighton, I can probably even scroll back to posts I wrote at the time about how scared I was.

I need to do this. I need to get away and push myself again. I want to be scared about my own life and adventures and challenging myself with new experiences, not just scared of what will happen to the families I worked with, locked in to a cycle of care and helplessness. I want to write. I want to be outside and run around in fields growing things and getting muddy and tanned and covered in nettles or mosquito bites. I want the headspace to meet new people and fall in love and find new things about myself. I want to be able to live again.

I feel selfish saying that, I feel selfish that I am able to leave whereas the families I work with can't. I feel pulled to them, pulled to a job that is all consuming and painful. But I know I can't carry on like this. I'm sure I will be back, to this or other work that uses my whole self and all the anger and hope I have in the world. But for now, I'm out.

I'm refueling. I'm resting. I'm re-evaluating this life that I have carefully constructed for myself.

And I can always come back. I tell myself this often. Another get out card I need to have in my back pocket.

So I am off to Canada, back over the pond. It was a much bigger step for a much younger Sarah when I left seven years ago to move to Bethlehem. I have so much more experience now, I know myself better, I know what I need.

It will be alright.

 

It had been a long time since we last lived together.

Nine days between houses in a whirlwind of reaquaintance and nostalgia didn't properly prepare us for the magnitude of returning to Bethlehem and sharing our lives once more.

Fuelled by high expectations and months of anticipation, the first few days were a shock. A shock as we learnt how to accommodate another person again, learnt how to communicate and work together, relearnt the quirks we had managed to play down in our last spontaneous meeting.

And we clashed. Stubborn and swollen with our own ideas and agendas. Wrote angry poetry and thought about whether it was right that I had travelled back to the town we had once loved in.

But we quickly uncurled our fists, let go of the whimsical fantasy of a romantic holiday and embraced instead the beautiful tired mess of us.

Three and a half weeks when Connor was within arms reach, when I could throw my thoughts out into the room and he was there to hear them, when we could cook the vegetables we had planted and picked together, when we woke up to each other.

We were not unfailingly happy, things were not always simple and straight forward, but we were together. We could talk through any problems we had in the same time zone, we could hold each other if we were hurting. And oh how we loved each other.

I spent three and a half weeks with my best friend and built a little life together, as we always seem to do.

I think the hardest thing about the times we spend together is that it actually works. If it felt forced, if it meant nothing, if it was just okay, it would be easy to walk away. It is hard to know what we could have, if it weren't for visas and immigration and the cost of US education.

We are now back on different planets, orbiting around different suns, colliding when we can, and it is so hard.

We do not know when we will see each other again or where we will end up or what this journey will look like for us, but I trust that we will walk this road together for as long as we can.

Until next time, Connor.

We only really booked Chicago out of convenience, flights from California and Pennsylvania both being affordable, we would have met up in Kansas if it had been the only cost-effective option, but I think Chicago surprised us both. Huge and full of character, it felt at once both familiar and completely different.

We stayed in an airbnb room the size of the double bed and, despite its... compact size, it was a great base. The apartment was a short walk to Wicker Park, a gorgeous "hip" red brick area filled to the brim with second hand stores, winding bookshops and restaurants. As we had to walk to the subway station to get into center city anyway, it became the perfect food stop en route to the loop.

Adam and I travel together well, we move at the same pace, we want to explore the places we visit and see everything both of us wish to see, but we try to take it slowly, getting up late, properly stopping and sitting down when we eat, taking time to sit and talk at the top of Chicago 360 or at the side of Lake Michigan. And as we each contribute our ideas to our itinerary, we find ourselves doing things we wouldn't have naturally chosen to do but are very glad we did!

This trip, I found a stripped back, "black box", local theater performance of Pygmalion for $5 a ticket, so we ended up in this rented art space in the middle of a residential area, two of around fifteen audience members watching this show. As a big fan of the play, I was in my element, and was incredibly impressed by the (mostly) decent british accents. And Adam enjoyed it a lot too, it was an experience he wouldn't have chosen for himself, but it was a fun way to spend an evening! Adam, too, found tickets for us, this time going to see the Chicago White Sox playing baseball for $7. I haven't been to see any sports games at Lehigh, partly because they always seemed to be on the days I already had plans, but partly because I've never been too bothered. I wouldn't have ever thought of going to see a game in Chicago, and I definitely wouldn't have thought that tickets would be that reasonable. Not only did I thoroughly enjoy myself at the game, huddling up in the cold as my new team won, eating tater tot nachos with nauseating cheese sauce, but we caught the sunset over the city from the stadium just as we arrived, and got to experience the beautiful skyline at night as we left. Whilst Adam's choice was more glamorous, I love how we both benefit from experiencing the things the other loves and is interested in.

And it was just lovely to explore a new city together, to learn to navigate the overground subway system (infinitely better than New York), wander along the river, and take endless pictures of the infamous Bean. It has made me ridiculously excited for the cross-country trip we are currently planning for three weeks (?!) time! Now to actually start booking things....

















*Disclaimer* Don't let the turtlenecks fool you, it was actually in the mid twenties with a light breeze for most of the trip!

After an eleven hour overnight bus ride from Philly to Toronto and a few days hanging out with my Canadian family in Mississauga, we all piled into cars and wound our way into the Canadian wilderness until we got to this magnificent cabin where we spent Christmas.


Ever since I started planning my year abroad I knew that I wanted to come up to Canada and spend some time with the little branch of my family in Toronto, and the thought of spending Christmas in my uncle's hand built cabin in the snow was just too good to miss. As you can see, there was no snow! However, it was actually lovely to have warm weather and to see some colour in the beautiful Canadian wilderness. It made deep frying the turkey on Christmas day all the more bearable when it was above freezing!

I loved spending Christmas surrounded by my family, but in such a different way to how we usually celebrate in the UK. We still opened presents, decorated the cabin with lights and adorned it with a hand cut tree, ate turkey and brussel sprouts, but everything was relaxed, there were nowhere to go, no one else to see, nothing we had to do. We ate and drank and chatted and no one judged me when I went for a nap in the middle of the afternoon! (Though we never judge my mother for napping on Christmas day back home either!)

It was interesting to spend Christmas with family as an adult, even if my six year old cousin did heavily judge my colouring ability and tell me that I should practice "so that I get it in the lines". It was fun to get to know my aunt and uncle on an adult level and just talk about life, both mine and theirs. As a child you constantly get asked about what you are doing, how your piano lessons are going, whether you had fun on that trip to the zoo, but you barely ever learn about the adult who is asking the questions. It was great to see a glimpse into their lives in Canada that I only see a couple of photos of on facebook. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to come visit!





The cabin itself is located in Maple Leaf, close to Maynooth, and it is breathtakingly stunning. I remember from my last trip to Canada way back when I was 13 how beautiful the landscape was, and even in the barren winter it really is amazing. On the land surrounding the cabin there is an active beaver dam and it was fun to spot all the signs of beaver activity and follow the path of destruction down to the water.








And I finally found somewhere that my dungarees fit in! I looked just like a local in my docs and denim, I was just missing the bright hunter orange hat and camo!



I loved the drives, I loved the rolling, gorgeous scenery, the evergreen trees and the semi-frozen lakes that could be seen through the branches. It really was something else.










It was everything I wanted and needed, to go away with such great company and unplug from the internet, stop showering and wearing makeup and just be. The end of the semester at Lehigh got pretty crazy with deadlines and life, so it was perfect just to retreat into the wild with old family but new friends. Thank you for letting me stay guys!