From time to time people ask me to start writing for my blog again. As you few readers who still venture back in anticipation of a half hearted travel recap are well aware, what was once a lively space has now fizzled away.
I know I don't owe anyone an apology, but I feel like there is something I want to get off my chest.
Before I posted the link on my facebook I was incredibly guarded about who should and shouldn't have access to this space. There was a link on my instagram, sure, so it wasn't as if it was completely private, and I would give people the link if they asked for it, but it wasn't exactly out there in the way that it now is. By promoting it as a blog for my year abroad, I found myself having to write posts about my study abroad, whether that was pretty pictures of cities I visited or rambling monologues about making friends and investing in a new life in America. At the beginning of my year abroad, this was absolutely fine, I was busy and overwhelmed with my new place and friends and experiences; I didn't want to write about anything else.
Then life happened, and as things happened that I couldn't write down or think through online in such a public forum, I found myself withdrawing from this outlet. I began thinking more about politics and social interaction and self-expression and a whole bunch of things that weren't related to my year abroad and weren't appropriate for the audience that I had accumulated. Before publishing it publically, I used to ramble on my blog about anything and everything that I thought about, barely censoring myself, using my corner of the internet as a pseudo journal. I felt like I lost that. I found myself attempting to churn out posts about my winter break travels, indeed I have several lined up and unpublished, but they felt empty and dry and forced. It didn't feel like me. But when that is what people expect and want and encourage, it becomes hard to write anything else.
But now I want to come back. Forget the suffocating cityscapes and smiling selfies; I want this blog to return to its roots. Some pretty picture posts, sure, and many soul searching rambles that mean nothing to anyone or anything but simply try to put into words the things that I'm thinking and feeling.
And I am aware that there is still a level of censorship for those who are unaccustomed to my lifestyle choices or thoughts and beliefs which is frustrating but necessary, but I wish to endeavor to be more honest on this space. I want to write for me.
This all sounds very pretentious, as if I have a demanding, attentive flock of followers when very few people search for this blog anymore. And perhaps that is what I am waiting for, for the readership to die and I can slip back into anonymity where I do not know whether people are reading my blog or not, where I can focus on giving out without being overly concerned about the reception. I am proud that this space is my own, this channel of communication opened up so that people can understand me and my life better, not an overinflated idea of the mythical year abroad.
So here I am, I'm back, I'm ready to reclaim this blog, ready to start writing again. Sorry it has been so long, but this is my last apology. Thank you for reading and caring. Or not. Either way, I'll be here rambling away.
