over the pond.

And not the 2:1 we are all currently slowly dying for.

When I was at primary school, I always wanted to be 12. It seemed like a long way away, it was grownup, it sounded solid, when I was 12, everything would be alright. I would be almost finished with my first year of secondary school, I would belong there. When I was 12, I could get my ears pierced.

Then I turned 12, got my ears pierced, and promptly found 12 to be uninspiring. It turns out that you can't do everything when you are 12, you can't go out late at night and you don't feel grownup. So instead I wanted to be 16. When you are 16 you are the oldest in the school, you get to be a prefect and wear a blue polo neck, you get to dress up in tacky shiny dresses and pretend your american and go to prom. At 16 I would be fully grown, I wouldn't be a child anymore, I would feel in control.



Then I turned 16, wore a blue polo shirt, dressed up in a shiny dress, went to prom and lamented that, despite being fully grown, I was only 5'2" and decided that 16 wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I still felt young, I still felt small, I still felt like a child. So I wanted to be 18, I wanted to be an actual adult. I wanted to be able to vote in elections that I already felt passionate about, I wanted to be able to drink and go out clubbing. Two opposites of responsibility, but I wanted them both. At 18, I thought I would be settled, I thought I would go off to university and start the path to my dream job as a lawyer.


Then I turned 18. And it turns out that being able to vote was practically redundant until this month, and that drinking is much more fun when you are actually at university, and that, in fact, I wasn't supposed to go to university at 18. I turned 18 when my life was crazy. Being 18 was the least exciting, interesting or important thing that was going on in my life. Yes, I felt like an adult, but only because I was dealing with things that a child shouldn't have to. I suddenly didn't want to be 18 anymore, I didn't want to be grownup or have my life planned out. So I didn't look forward anymore.

I didn't look forward to the day I would be turning 21 because I thought it was redundant. 21 didn't mean anything to me. I was too old for counting birthdays and candles, too old to get excited about a day no different to the other 364.

Today I turn 21. And it does mean something. I feel older than I did at 18, so I know the importance of not always acting like I'm middle aged, that older doesn't mean boring or less fun, it means making the decision when to be old and when to be young. I feel more settled than I did at 18, because I know the importance of not having a fixed plan that you feel suffocated by, that being settled in yourself is more important than being settled in your career or your life path.

In the last three years I have travelled to Germany, Uganda, South Sudan, Hong Kong, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Lisbon, Spain, Prague and Budapest. I gave up my university place for a year where I had absolutely nothing planned. I have shot weddings and worked long days doing data entry in a room with no windows, I have moved to Kent and got a first for my first year at university, I have lost and gained someone I love, I have lost and gained my faith, I started writing poetry and became vice president of the Creative Writing Society, I have started to learn to sail. I got through the worst episode of my mental health in years, addressing and not ignoring my problems. I have been to festivals and actually camped!





And through the decisions that I have made between three years ago and today, 21 will mean something else; that I can legally drink once I move to America, a year out that I could only imagine when I applied to Kent in October 2012.

21 is going to be a good year, I can feel it in my bones. Moving to Pennsylvania, having the opportunity to really explore America, making a whole bunch of new friends. Like every year, I bet there will be ups and downs, probably some moments where I think I have made the worst decision ever, and other moments when I'm on top of the world, both figuratively and literally, but I feel like it's going to be an important one.

Now I'm older, I know that there is no need to look forward to a specific date, a specific year, or a specific age. There is no set time when I will be grownup and put together and suddenly have my life sorted. Turning 21 today, a day hideously situated in our exam period, where my main party man will be Chaucer himself, isn't ideal. But turning 21 isn't really a day. It isn't about whether enough people write on my wall or send me a text, it isn't about what I eat or where or the fact that I can't go out and celebrate properly with my friends. Adam went and bought me roses this morning, came upstairs and curled up in bed with me, gave me the camera that I have been wanting and made me feel special. And that was enough.

And besides, this day alone is irrelevant. All that matters is what happens in the next 365 days, and then the next, and then the next.

So I'm glad to be turning 21, I'm glad to have the privilege of living this long, to have done so much already and to have so much to look forward to. And I'm glad that there is a day, nestled amongst exam stress and visa applications, that makes me stop and think back over the years, one where I get to feel like a princess, even as I translate middle English on my own in a computer room. But more than that, I'm excited for what this year holds, where I will be in May 2016, which sounds so far away, for all the new stories and pictures I will have, for all the people I am going to meet and the places I am going to see. Because I have a feeling that this year is going to be good.