over the pond.

There are times when all I want to do is take beautiful pictures, when my head is constantly finding shots in the world around me and when I put a lot of time and energy into promoting and polishing my work.

And there are times when I can't even bring myself to take photos on a compact of my holiday.

It's one or the other. And that makes it really hard to try and turn into a viable business opportunity, or even a hobby.

It's expensive, for a start, I have already invested around £1500 into my current kit (that is excluding the kit I used to own), which really isn't that much for most "proper" photographers. I have wanted a gorgeous new zoom lens for the past three years but have never been in a place where I have a casual £500 lying around that I can spend on one. It was hard enough finding the funds to purchase my body, a second hand 5D mkii.

It's time consuming. Once you commit to jobs that you eagerly take on, you realise that it really is much more than the hour you spend shooting! You spend hours pouring over your work, wondering if its good enough, wondering if the split toning is exactly how you want it.

It's my one, main opportunity to be creative in a way that I actually believe in my abilities. I love creating beautiful images that people print out and display on their walls. I love that I can hand someone a disk of photos that destroy any thoughts they had that they weren't photogenic. I love capturing real emotion between sisters, couples and families. I love being able to look through my portfolio and see how far I've come from the shoots I used to drag Lucy on in 2012.

I love my camera.

But the truth is that I don't always want to create, and definitely don't always want to create to deadlines.

So I'll never be an actual full time "photographer".

But then I get an opportunity to do a project like I did this term, a creative shoot trying to evoke what it feels to live everyday life with depression, and I fall in love with my work again. I feel my fingers itching to play with photos on my computer, see shots in my mind again.

I have a wedding booked for June and I'm really excited.

It's been over two years since I last shot a wedding and I'm shooting it for a very low price, but that means that I don't have the overwhelming pressure to be absolutely 100% perfect. It means that I can enjoy my work.

And I know that I'll probably resent taking the job when I'm on holiday in Greece the week after, having to edit photos in the spare minutes I catch between sailing and windsurfing, but it's a great opportunity.

I love adding to my portfolio, slowly, slowly building my gallery.

One day I want to print out all my favourites in A4 or maybe even A3 and put them in big portfolio books for my grandchildren to one day fawn over.

Because I am proud of my work, even on the days I don't feel like picking up a camera.

And just the other day I ordered a new camera, a fun film camera that I can play with in the summer and found myself getting excited again. Excited to shoot some beautiful photos once more. So for now I'll play with my instax, wait for an email to say if my photo project has been accepted for publishing in an arts magazine, meet my wedding clients, and feel glad that I have the ability to do something I love at my own pace.