This term I feel much more put together. Socially, everything had improved A LOT and I've even gone on nights out with people I barely know and enjoyed myself! I have started going to the gym again, even actually going to the gym and running, which I haven't done since my gap year! I am also in the middle of a creative photography project (more of which I'll share later) which also hasn't happened since my failed attempt at a 52 week flickr project last January. So, on the whole, things are looking good.
Everything except uni.
My grades are fine. I am currently averaging on 68/69 which I am completely content with at this point in my degree. And I would never, ever drop out. I need a degree to get to where I need to go, and I am not wasting almost two years of fees and time for nothing.
But.
I can't help thinking that if I wasn't going to America, I would seriously be wanting to. I think the mess that was last term and disappointment with my modules has left me feeling disenchanted with university life. I find it hard to care about a degree in English, even as I am starting to read and write more in my free time. The essays seem pointless, just one more thing I have to do to get a piece of paper that explains to my employer that I am competent.
And some of it is interesting, and I suppose I'm learning a lot, but the motivation isn't there. I have spoken time and time again about my need for structure, and having six hours a week contact time just doesn't work for me. It's quite hard to accept, because I was so ready for student life. I had a year out and thought that I had chosen what I really wanted to do, as a process of learning and not just to get a job. But slowly that has slipped away.
I know my battle last term hasn't helped that and I know America will hopefully started to fix that, but right now I feel a bit stuck. I have the motivation to coordinate my photography project for a deadline in two days time in four different locations involving complicated logistics, but I don't have the discipline to read the tiniest poems for my seminar later. I know that I need to start doing my reading more, getting more involved with the course material instead of just bumbling along but I really am struggling.
In my final year, the modules look promising- I can study Hardy! So hopefully by the end of my sojourn in the states I will be once again excited for the work element of uni.
But for now I've just got to keep on plodding.
[Edit: my seminar today was pretty rad, so maybe it's not all bad...]
